Monday, January 15, 2007

Roller Coaster Ride

I went for a ride one day
But I can’t remember when
It was a roller coaster ride
And while I was on it
I had prolonged periods of happiness
Followed by brief periods of sadness

I had days when I felt invincible
Followed by days when I was uncertain
I was willing to take risks
I had erratic behavior
I thought of no one but myself
I was in another world

I probably got on the roller coaster
Right after my first child was born
Riding it for many years
Until suddently, I had to get off
Because the ride ended abruptly
The roller coaster no longer went
Up and down, up and down, up and down
It just went down, and down and down
Spiraling downwards into a deep, dark hole

Every day I kept sinking and sinking
Deeper and deeper into this hole
Because I began to realize
That while I had been on the roller coaster
I thought of no one but myself
I had distanced myself from those who loved me
And when the ride finally ended
It was too late, they were already gone

Twice I tried to end my life
Because I felt like a failure
My life completely fell apart
I could no longer work
I was afraid to drive, afraid to go shopping
Overwhelmed with housework
And no one understood why
They thought I was seeking attention

But throughout all this turmoil
My husband never abandoned me
He allowed me to hire a companion
Who helped me around the house
And kept me company during the day
Because no one would bother with me
And, out of desperation
I even tried living in a group home

One day, in mid April, 2006, I sat down
And wrote my first poem, "Sisters in Crisis"
The idea came to me after spending
An afternoon with a lady who was also
Suffering from depression
Four months later I had written
Almost 200 poems
Totally unaware of how I got my ideas

People began reading my poetry
Complimenting me and saying I had talent
And although I had worked and raised
A family for 20 years,
I finally felt worthwhile

I don't miss the days I was on the roller coaster
Though I still have my mood swings
And I still have to cope with depression
But I'm also alive so I still have time
To make ammends to those I had hurt

By, Randee Saber 1/15/07